Mothers and Daughters

Mothers Day is fast approaching and as the mother of two delightful daughters, I feel compelled to put pen to paper and write something about the relationship between mothers and daughters. On the one hand a bond of such strength, yet on the other fraught with unknown pitfalls and unsuspected dangers.

I asked myself a question : what do I want for my daughters ?  and I stress for not from .  As a mother, it can be hard to step away from wanting to be appreciated for all that we give. It is important for our sanity to realize that it was our choice to have children and that parenting is all about giving. What else did we expect ?  For us to give as freely and joyfully as we can, we need to let go of our desire to be appreciated. Knowing that gratitude will come later (much later!)  when our kids have children of their own and suddenly the enormity of our task is realized (or not!) The point is that needing to be appreciated only leads to resentment, tension and dissatisfaction with an otherwise perfect relationship. All is as it should be is my mantra !

As our beautiful daughters ( and they are all so beautiful ) grow, seemingly away from us, as mothers we can feel excluded from a life that was once so exclusively ours. The worries, the fears, the secrets once shared so easily now stay hidden and unknowable. As they reach their teens, we start to reap what we have sown and we may not like what we get !

Can we be patient, bite our tongues and allow our youngsters to break the bonds that tie us so tightly ? Are we strong enough, mature enough to see ourselves reflected back and smile as doors slam and hormones rage ?

I invite you to take an honest look at your relationship with your daughter. Whether she is five or ten, thirteen or forty.  What is she like ? What are you like together ? Is it the way you hoped it would be ? How could it be better ? As mothers, we have so many hopes and many expectations for our daughters. Most importantly,  our own experience of being a daughter will have had more of an impact on how we are as a mother than we might like to acknowledge. It is only when we have children of our own that we can put the past in perspective and understand  the difficulties that our parents may have experienced.

It takes courage and strength to examine our past and to see the patterns that are  reflected there. If we acknowledge that our past can hold the key, offering a chance to heal and understand why we react in certain ways, then I believe we can pave the way to better and more loving communication with our daughters and loved ones.

All relationships are a challenge, but none more so than that we have with our children. If we can see that parenting is our greatest opportunity to learn about ourselves than we can begin to look at  things with different eyes and see our children as the gift that they are.

My goal as a mother is for my daughters to have the freedom to grow into spiritually and emotionally healthy adults capable of living their own lives. What do you want for your daughter ?

 

Published in The West Cork People March 2010

As you start to read this article, I invite you to stop and take three, deep, slow breaths. Are you aware of how you are feeling right now? Are you anxious, tense, relaxed, stressed ? How does your body feel ? We all feel levels of stress, it is a part of  life. We need a certain level of stress to function and get things done but there is good stress and bad stress. Sometimes it can feel like one of those rides at the fairground. You know, the one you should never have got on and now it wont stop. HELP! Then we grit our teeth and bear it and that’s our life?

Almost everyone wants to change something in  their lives. Often, we don’t know what or how to start and that keeps us stuck.  Most of the things that concern us and take up our thoughts, are external and anything external that absorbs our energy in a negative way, is just another way for us to be distracted from what is really true for us . When we are unhappy, we often  search outside ourselves for the cause. Our jobs, partners, past, lack of education can all carry the blame for a while. It is the nature of the human condition  that we spend much of our lives trying to change others. The reality is that change can only come from within us. In order to access this potential for change, I believe that we need to turn our focus inwards .

If we don’t take the time to stop and assess where we are in ourselves, we just get pulled along, doing anything and everything we are asked, without even considering that there might be an alternative option. Disturbed sleep patterns, anxiety, depression, mood swings, overeating/under eating, headaches, stomach problems, skin rashes can all be symptoms that indicate we need to stop and take a look at how we are living our lives.

We often think we know what we should be doing, we may have shelves of books telling us to breathe, relax, make time for ourselves everyday. But how to take that first step, is the million dollar question. If we tell ourselves we must we certainly won’t! If we tell ourselves we should then I’ll be damned if I will! My heels dig in and there I stay.  For me, the only way is by moving my focus from the external to the internal. By removing my need for an answer, solution or decision or action to take, by not striving for a perceived outcome, I find that the way forward often  appears effortlessly. Only then am I ready to take a few small steps forward.

Sometimes, things have to get worse before they get better . There is a grain of truth in the saying that we have to hit rock bottom before we ask for help and sometimes we still can’t ask. We just carry on in the same old, unhappy way, believing that that’s our lot.  Things can only improve when we are ready to let them improve. That means that no-one can force us towards a better life, everything has its natural rhythm and sometimes we need to stay where we are for a while longer. Even if that place is not comfortable. The more we fight, scold and berate ourselves, then the more we fold away and hide. I believe that conflict within us can arise because we are hanging on to a personal vision or outcome that is no longer true for us and that keeps us frozen. Fighting with what is, keeps us in pain. Learning to trust and adapt to what is, is freedom.

Fionnuisce , Herons Court,  Market Quay  Bandon, Cork. For more details and bookings contact Mari at westcorklifecoach@gmail.com or tel 086152 3432

“While wanting to teach our children about life, our children teach us what life is all about”  (Angela Schmidt)

10 Tips for Positive Parenting

1)         BE THERE TO LISTEN – it’s sometimes hard to let our children be themselves without judgement .  Listen more than you speak. Get comfortable with pauses. It’s that moment when no one speaks that allows deeper communication. ! LISTEN to yourself , do you remember your childhood, what hurt you, what supported you.

2)         NURTURE YOUR  OTHER RELATIONSHIPS -  No man is an island ! How are your support networks, can you improve them ? We are their role model, we must try to be as we want them to be.

3)         BE GRATEFUL/SHOW APPRECIATION –  Notice the positive .Praise is a powerful thing - Not every little thing needs to be corrected. Things don’t have to be done perfectly, especially by a four year old ! Good enough is  a great yardstick. Constant drawing attention to the negative, undermines confidence and self esteem .

4)         TEACH RESPONSIBILITY/DON’T DO TOO MUCH – natural consequences are part of life, if we try and protect our children over the small things how will they cope in the real world.  We often “rescue” our children. Instead of telling them what to do ask questions. Feel the pressure roll off your shoulders as your children take responsibility for themselves. Allow them to experience the consequences of their behaviour , if clothes are not in the wash basket don’t wash them, if she forgets her pencil case she will have to borrow if she does not revise she will get low marks. These are every parents struggle. To stand back and let her make her choices .This is not, not caring but in the long term it teaches personal responsibility, which is more and more lacking in our society.

5)         RESPECT - If I were to ask you  ‘do you love and respect your children ?’ I’m sure you would all say of course. But do they know you do ? Do you show it in your behaviour towards them? How do you speak to them ? Our children’s self esteem lies in our hands, the way we talk to our children reveals  a lot about how much we respect them

6)         SAY NO WISELY – the  most helpful thing I was ever told was ‘pick your battles carefully and don’t overuse the word no at any age’. Boundaries not rules, negotiate don’t dictate The more flexible you are the easy things will be. Look at why you say no, are you being reasonable, taking a pause before you answer can help, Seek win/win in conflicts, as this nurtures self-esteem. Allowing choice empowers your child, a child who feels powerless is not a happy child.

7)        BE CONSISTANT- say what you mean, mean what you say . This can be one of the hardest things to do but boundaries provide stability in a child’s life whatever their age consequences and sanctions for unacceptable behaviour must always be clear and fair. Children hate injustice more than anything.

8)         LET GO-  from the moment they are born, we are preparing our children for independence. From crawling to walking, to school to their first job. Each age has a letting go stage , when we need to take a leap of faith. We have to learn to let go of being in control, of being right and of needing stuff  from our kids like appreciation and smiles and happiness. If we are really honest much of what we do for our kids comes from our needs not theirs ! Parenting is not about controlling our offspring it is about guiding them .  

9)         BE KIND TO YOURSELF – you are not alone. Look after yourself, don’t waste energy beating yourself  up over mistakes made, move on.

10)       REMEMBER ‘THIS TOO SHALL PASS’  -The biggest trap we fall into as parents is thinking that we are in control. Like it or not we do not have that much control over another persons life and although we want so much to protect our children from the hurts that life can bring the truth is that they need to make mistakes just as we all did No matter how bad it gets, remember have fun, they are  too soon gone!

‘It never rains, but it pours’ has taken on new meaning in the last week ! As people struggle to come to terms with the losses and difficulties that the November rains have caused to businesses and homes around West Cork it may seem as though the country is beset by problem after problem.

When bad things happen to us it can induce a fearful pattern of thinking that is a struggle to get out of. Worse still, when several things happen together,  we can feel overwhelmed,  that there is no room to breathe and that no sooner have we come up for air than another wave hits us.

We all encounter events in our lives that are beyond our control, yet it is our attitude to these events more than the event itself,  that can make or break us. One reaction is to close down, to stop reaching out but the tragedy is that the more closed we become the more life shrinks from us and so the cycle continues. Another way is to pretend everything is fine. Sometimes we make such a good job of this, we even believe ourselves ! As human beings it is our natural tendency to look around and see others doing well. To assume that everyone else is getting a smooth ride! This is in part due to the game we all play. The I’m fine game !

I fight regular battles with my inner fears. When things happen to us or our loved ones that we could never have predicted, it haunts us forever. Lurking in the corners of my mind, all manner of dangers, fears and anxieties seem all too real. What I have found is that speaking them takes away their power. Allowing the fear, frees me far more than fighting it.

No-one wants to be constantly be-moaning their lot but a little honesty about how we feel and what we are experiencing can break down a lot of barriers and help us to feel less isolated and more grounded. The cycle of fear can be broken, by sharing our emotions and fears we become vulnerable and it is precisely this vulnerability that draws people to us. In order to receive help, we first need to reveal that we need help. It’s hard to feel empathy or compassion for someone whose veneer never cracks ! Some of my closest friendships have been formed in times of crisis and that tells me, that what we seek from each other is a real, deeper heart connection. As human beings we can so easily lose trust .So my questions to you today are these :

‘How do you live your life, in a closed or an open fashion?’

‘How can you be more real in your life?’

‘How present are you in your life ?

We can grow to be closed or even shutdown through our experience of life. Yet it is important to realize that often that experience is  long gone and by clinging to it we are tainting our possibilities for our present and the future.

Published in the West Cork People Dec 2009

I have just spent this weekend in retreat at Dzogchen Beara, a Meditation Centre in West Cork. The theme was ‘Loving Kindness’ and I  don’t think I was alone in hoping that I would deepen my compassion and become more loving to others. What a surprise then to be told that in order to fully love others we need to first focus on the love we feel for ourselves ! This of course makes complete sense when you think how often we berate ourselves and all the stressful thoughts we perpetuate about ourselves. In fact its shocking to realize that I don’t know of anyone who doesn’t have negative thoughts about themselves. Whether its about how we look, what we believe, how we behave or how much we earn.

Some of us are affected more strongly than others. While some  of us scold and criticize ourselves out loud at every opportunity, others keep it within, but its still there  deep down, that little voice whispering that we can’t do it, we don’t deserve it or  that we are fundamentally bad and we prove this to ourselves again and again every time we make a so-called mistake.

In Tibet, children are brought up to love and appreciate themselves, unlike in the West where we are taught to  put others first or be seen as selfish. Yet we suffer collectively here from a huge lack of self-esteem which in turn is the root of much of our suffering and unhappiness.

Why do we find it  so hard to love ourselves ? We are born into this world a gift, pure and untainted but before long the pressures of life and the society we live in seems to take its toll. I believe that we have a responsibility to take a closer look at how we feel about ourselves and to work at loving ourselves just as we are. Not when we are thinner, more confident, richer or more qualified, but now in this moment because we all have an equal right to be happy and to be loved. Through learning to love ourselves more we are able to give unconditional love to others, not a love that requires a certain behaviour or belief.

If I could change three beliefs that I hear expressed often, ‘mistakes are bad’ would become ‘every mistake is an opportunity for learning’, ‘don’t show off ‘would become ‘let your light shine’ and ‘don’t take risks’ would become ‘follow your heart’.

I will end with one of my favourite quotes  from Marianne Williamson,

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

TAKE ACTION THIS WEEK

1)Ask yourself  in what areas of your life could you support yourself more.

2) Pick one area that you feel you could make a difference in..

3) Identify and commit to three ways in which you could be more loving and supportive to yourself.


Publishing date Nov 2009 The West Cork People