Call me modest, but I am a great mum ! I love my kids, I tell them so frequently and I’m even nice to them most of the time. I am conscious of  building their self esteem and independence. Yet, I have a confession, I have on occasion smacked my kids ! It’s not something I’m  proud of  but in the last few weeks I have read several articles by those “holier than thou” outlining how abhorrent smacking is, how it should be made illegal and parents who smack vilified and burned at the stake !

I can’t believe that anyone would advocate smacking as an effective method of discipline . However, to try to outlaw it is to assume that it is a conscious act, carried out by perfectly in control parents. In my experience, smacking and learning not to is a rite of passage for many parents. As new parents the shock of the reality of parenting, the sleepless nights, the constant demands, the juggling of work and family  and self, combined with the power struggles we often encounter with  our children, can mean that smacking happens despite our best intentions.

I have smacked mine and every time been filled with remorse that I have allowed myself to get so pulled in that I have lost control.  I work hard to prevent it happening again. It is something that when it happens is  so powerful and shocking that I feel the emotional effect for days after.

There is something deeply disturbing about a large adult looming over a small child in anger. The creation of fear in a child is what we should be looking at eradicating. Smacking is the tip of the iceberg ! Its not necessary to hit a child to induce fear, screaming and shouting  and the silent treatment can be equally traumatic.  Parents who never hit their kids can say cruel things and destroy their children in other ways. So where do we draw the line ?

I think it is fantastic that we discuss the issue of discipline but I’m not sure how effective banning smacking will be. Looking at our success rate in other similar areas it would appear not too hopeful ! We can make as many laws as we like, but the reality is that disciplining children is as old as the hills and is something that most parents struggle with (even if they don’t like to admit it!) Hopefully the days of “wait till your father gets home” and the wooden spoon are gone,  what is needed now is education and understanding of the damage that smacking can do to your relationship with your child, not more impossible to implement laws !

Are we just busy fools ?

Does our increasing reliance on technology mean that we are at risk of slowly and imperceptibly losing the ability to connect with each other in a real way ? In these times of technology overkill, it seems to me that we are forever communicating in the ether. I am guilty myself of checking my emails when I am supposed to be working or out with friends and I’ve noticed that it’s very uncool to be offended if someone starts texting when you are out with them and god forbid you should point out that you think its rude !

Even in these recessionary times we seem to be unable to stop for a minute of real life interaction without various gadgets beeping, vibrating or yelling at us (literally ! why would anyone have someone screaming at them as their ring tone ?)

Are we just busy fools ? In these times of Twitter, Face book and other social networking sites, what are we hoping to achieve by spending hours focusing on a screen and creating virtual relationships ? Communication is a minefield of possible misunderstandings at the best of times, take out the human element and things can quickly get out of hand. Who has not had experience of text and emails creating confusion and upset !

Recent research indicates that we are lonelier than ever, we may have 300 friends on Face book and be on line constantly, but who do we call when we need support or a giggle and a glass of wine ? Communicating on line can often appear to be more intimate and we can be lulled into revealing a lot about ourselves, yet a whole element of human interaction and code is missing. Eye contact, body language  and facial expression are crucial to how we communicate and without them we only get half the story .We also miss all the signals that may alert us that all is not right.

Human communication happens on so many levels, yet much of our new technology focuses exclusively on the written word. 

We are apparently raising a generation with a shorter attention span, primarily due to the nature of a  technology which interrupts our lives constantly  and randomly. If we don’t place limits on how and when we are available, we are in danger of feeling out of control and that our life is not our own.

There are certain times when I am out of contact: when I exercise, when I sleep but most of all when I choose. I put my phone on silent regularly and always for texts. I do not want to be ruled by a tyrant and that is what all these gadgets are, tyrants (useful tyrants I admit !) Young people particularly are at risk of not realizing that they control the technology, not the other way round.

Face to face communication has always been a difficult thing but the more we retreat into the fantasy world of the ether the less we get to practice what really counts  !

Published in the West Cork People July 2010

Can you have your cake and eat it ?

If losing weight was easy, then we would all be slim. One of the reasons we so admire the slender is because their taughtness and firmness is a testament to the hard work, tenacity and sheer willpower that goes into maintaining their physique.

In the western world being slim and staying slim is seen as an ideal, but few seem prepared or able to make the commitment. Everyone is looking for an easy fix, a miracle diet, pill,  cream, surgery !

It is a common belief that some people are naturally slim and can eat anything ( I have yet to meet one of these !) Aside from how we look , it is increasingly documented that weight control and exercise are crucial in the battle to be healthy and long lived. But like smoking and drinking and driving too fast, we still indulge. Why ? Because we want our cake and we want to eat it all, NOW ! Not a small slice once a week but a whole cake every day, plus crisps, chocolate and a bottle of wine oh ! and a large pizza with extra cheese please ! We don’t like moderation.

Many of the diseases today are preventable, if we only looked after ourselves better. But temptation is around every corner and our lifestyle and diet choices  make it feel like one long struggle.

As we get older it becomes increasingly difficult to maintain a lump free silhouette and still imbibe as we did when we were young. Every glass of wine and every plate of chips takes its toll. When I see someone slim and middle aged, I can guarantee you that they work hard at it. I always hope that they achieve their physique by truly caring for themselves, by choosing exercise they enjoy and eating what they want in moderation.

Magazines and newspapers are full of people falling on and off the dietary wagon and therein lies the problem, diets don’t work ! Losing weight is about much more than what we put in our mouths. It’s about how you feel about yourself in the world, about self-care and self respect and about being brutally honest with yourself.

Is it any wonder that life loses its spontaneity and joy when viewed through a lens that points solely at what we can and can’t eat. I believe that everyone has food issues.  It’s one part of us that is wholly necessary to our survival and as such its normal  that what we eat should play a large part in our lives, We have managed to demonize food but as hunter gatherers that is what would have taken up most of our time. Thinking about food, planning, gathering and preparing and eating. Its only now when food is all around that we have a problem.

Successful, long term weight loss really boils down to knowing yourself and what works for you. More importantly its about liking yourself enough not to punish your mind and body with a never ending circuit of unrealistic and in some cases downright dangerous diets. Successful weight loss is not about deprivation but about finding a balance in all areas of your life.

Published in the West Cork Preople August 2010

The other day I bought plum jam instead of strawberry jam. I didn’t notice until I opened the jar and started spreading it. It was delicious and so,  a possible disappointment became a joy. This is just a small example of what happens to me  on a regular basis. The expected becomes the unexpected, anticipation becomes disappointment or …… something else !

Many of us were confronted with the unexpected over recent days, when flights across Europe and America were cancelled due to a volcano eruption in Iceland. It was interesting to see the different reactions to the immoveable facts. That no-one was going anywhere, no matter who they were or how much money they had, we were all in the same predicament. My romantic break to France with my husband dissolved as did many other peoples plans, amongst them weddings, funerals and christenings.

I wonder if I am the only one who felt somehow freed by the fact that we could do nothing about this event, therefore crying, stamping, moaning and writing to your local TD were replaced by shrugged shoulders and a laissez faire attitude. There was a certain peace and a slowing in pace, just for a moment.

Our ability to control our lives is an illusion that we cling to even if it doesn’t serve us, even when it doesn’t make sense and even when it makes us sick. The more things don’t turn out as planned the more we resist and kick out at the injustice and unfairness, as though someone specific had it in for us, as though we had been selected for a particularly arduous journey. Not so, I believe that we all get our turn at the horrors and for us to believe that we have it especially hard is to disregard the suffering of the majority of the worlds population .

In this instance, money may have been lost and certainly many people inconvenienced but in the scheme of things suffering was low on the agenda. I wish there was an easy answer to why some people seem to leap every hurdle effortlessly and others struggle to find the path around, often bumping into ever greater obstacles along the way.

I believe our attitude and openness to a different outcome can mean the transformation of frustration and anger into possibility and acceptance. The more closed  we are , the harder it is for life to show us what it has to offer. There have been many instances over the last weeks of the generosity and kindness of people to perfect strangers and that is really where  our focus should be, on the good things that can come from the unexpected and the chance it gives us to shine.

If we believe we are alone, that many are against us, plotting and scheming and that the world is a hostile place, then that will be the reality we experience. When we believe that we are loved and the world has everything to offer, then that also creates our reality.

Published in the West Cork People May 2010

One of the things that has always fascinated me is the idea of a life purpose. In Japan this is called ‘ikigai’ and the search for ones ‘ikigai’ or meaning in life is seen as hugely important.

I am in awe of people who have known from an early age what they are going to do and have done it. Is this luck, tenacity, passion or sheer bloody mindedness ? Who knows ! What I do know for myself is that when I stop enjoying something then I have to change my attitude or stop doing whatever it is and move on to the next thing. An enduring memory I have is of trying ballet classes and after a few months deciding I didn’t like it. My parents used this as an excuse for me not trying anything else, as they said I probably would give up ! Through my life I have always had things I was passionate about Elvis, horses, baking, gardening, music, pottery art. Being allowed and allowing ourselves the chance to try different things, is one of the ways we find our ‘ikigai’.

A few weeks ago my eldest had to make the first of many decisions that will affect her future. It was time to decide on her subjects for the Junior Cert. Luckily for us it was unremarkable in its passing. She decided, filled in the form and handed it in. Done and dusted just like that. It was interesting therefore to be a fly on the wall at the recent parent teacher meetings where it was clear that many children and parents were struggling with the choices.

It is sad to see children turned away from subjects that they love and that they are skilled at for the sake of a future career that they may or may not have in 10 years time. In fairness to the school they also pointed the children towards subjects that they enjoyed. But still the underlying tensions regarding Music, Art and Home Economics could be heard.

School is a chance to try out different subjects and to find out what our personal strengths are. If we are forced to study things we don’t like, is it any wonder we end up in jobs we don’t like.

Taking the time to remember or maybe even discover for the first time, what you love to do is an essential part of a life well lived. I don’t believe that we all have just one life purpose, something that we were meant to do and that we love to do, even have to do. A human life can be long. I like to think that we can have many passions that ebb and flow and change as we grow older and more confident. If we could live our lives following our passions instead of the crowd, then maybe our children would be allowed the freedom to study subjects they enjoyed, which would possibly result in more people being happier in their career choices. Perhaps it would no longer be seen as ‘unrealistic’  to be wanting to do something that fulfills us and gives us pleasure. The world is full of people who have taken the chance to follow their passion and have succeeded.

The greatest obstacle to finding our ‘ikigai’ is our fear. It’s risky hard work and worst of all it puts us in the firing line to be criticized and judged if we don’t succeed. We are raised to tread the safe and known path. To do as everyone else does, start at the bottom and climb slowly to the top. We are led to believe that we require qualifications and experience in order to get a job Admittedly we like our doctors to be qualified and have experience but do we need qualifications to write plays, make music, act, make furniture, clothes, help others ?

What if we were taught to believe that anything was possible, that we could shoot for the top . I know many people happily doing jobs that they have chanced their arm to get, passion is where its at. We are in danger of qualifying out natural talent and passion. Without passion what’s the point ?

We have all been taught by passionless teachers, treated by doctors with no empathy, served by waitresses with no smile, given advice by those who don’t care ; the list is endless. Is this why we are in such a mess ? At the extreme end of the scale we have foster carers unchecked, priests left loose, surgeons who remove the wrong organs, banks allowed do what they like and a government so grey it makes John Major look positively colourful !

If we don’t have passion in our lives, we send out ripples of disenchantment that affect more than just us. If we choose to do something, it is our responsibility to do it to the best of our ability or get the hell out and do something we love and enjoy.

Published in the West Cork People April 2010