The other day I bought plum jam instead of strawberry jam. I didn’t notice until I opened the jar and started spreading it. It was delicious and so,  a possible disappointment became a joy. This is just a small example of what happens to me  on a regular basis. The expected becomes the unexpected, anticipation becomes disappointment or …… something else !

Many of us were confronted with the unexpected over recent days, when flights across Europe and America were cancelled due to a volcano eruption in Iceland. It was interesting to see the different reactions to the immoveable facts. That no-one was going anywhere, no matter who they were or how much money they had, we were all in the same predicament. My romantic break to France with my husband dissolved as did many other peoples plans, amongst them weddings, funerals and christenings.

I wonder if I am the only one who felt somehow freed by the fact that we could do nothing about this event, therefore crying, stamping, moaning and writing to your local TD were replaced by shrugged shoulders and a laissez faire attitude. There was a certain peace and a slowing in pace, just for a moment.

Our ability to control our lives is an illusion that we cling to even if it doesn’t serve us, even when it doesn’t make sense and even when it makes us sick. The more things don’t turn out as planned the more we resist and kick out at the injustice and unfairness, as though someone specific had it in for us, as though we had been selected for a particularly arduous journey. Not so, I believe that we all get our turn at the horrors and for us to believe that we have it especially hard is to disregard the suffering of the majority of the worlds population .

In this instance, money may have been lost and certainly many people inconvenienced but in the scheme of things suffering was low on the agenda. I wish there was an easy answer to why some people seem to leap every hurdle effortlessly and others struggle to find the path around, often bumping into ever greater obstacles along the way.

I believe our attitude and openness to a different outcome can mean the transformation of frustration and anger into possibility and acceptance. The more closed  we are , the harder it is for life to show us what it has to offer. There have been many instances over the last weeks of the generosity and kindness of people to perfect strangers and that is really where  our focus should be, on the good things that can come from the unexpected and the chance it gives us to shine.

If we believe we are alone, that many are against us, plotting and scheming and that the world is a hostile place, then that will be the reality we experience. When we believe that we are loved and the world has everything to offer, then that also creates our reality.

Published in the West Cork People May 2010

As you start to read this article, I invite you to stop and take three, deep, slow breaths. Are you aware of how you are feeling right now? Are you anxious, tense, relaxed, stressed ? How does your body feel ? We all feel levels of stress, it is a part of  life. We need a certain level of stress to function and get things done but there is good stress and bad stress. Sometimes it can feel like one of those rides at the fairground. You know, the one you should never have got on and now it wont stop. HELP! Then we grit our teeth and bear it and that’s our life?

Almost everyone wants to change something in  their lives. Often, we don’t know what or how to start and that keeps us stuck.  Most of the things that concern us and take up our thoughts, are external and anything external that absorbs our energy in a negative way, is just another way for us to be distracted from what is really true for us . When we are unhappy, we often  search outside ourselves for the cause. Our jobs, partners, past, lack of education can all carry the blame for a while. It is the nature of the human condition  that we spend much of our lives trying to change others. The reality is that change can only come from within us. In order to access this potential for change, I believe that we need to turn our focus inwards .

If we don’t take the time to stop and assess where we are in ourselves, we just get pulled along, doing anything and everything we are asked, without even considering that there might be an alternative option. Disturbed sleep patterns, anxiety, depression, mood swings, overeating/under eating, headaches, stomach problems, skin rashes can all be symptoms that indicate we need to stop and take a look at how we are living our lives.

We often think we know what we should be doing, we may have shelves of books telling us to breathe, relax, make time for ourselves everyday. But how to take that first step, is the million dollar question. If we tell ourselves we must we certainly won’t! If we tell ourselves we should then I’ll be damned if I will! My heels dig in and there I stay.  For me, the only way is by moving my focus from the external to the internal. By removing my need for an answer, solution or decision or action to take, by not striving for a perceived outcome, I find that the way forward often  appears effortlessly. Only then am I ready to take a few small steps forward.

Sometimes, things have to get worse before they get better . There is a grain of truth in the saying that we have to hit rock bottom before we ask for help and sometimes we still can’t ask. We just carry on in the same old, unhappy way, believing that that’s our lot.  Things can only improve when we are ready to let them improve. That means that no-one can force us towards a better life, everything has its natural rhythm and sometimes we need to stay where we are for a while longer. Even if that place is not comfortable. The more we fight, scold and berate ourselves, then the more we fold away and hide. I believe that conflict within us can arise because we are hanging on to a personal vision or outcome that is no longer true for us and that keeps us frozen. Fighting with what is, keeps us in pain. Learning to trust and adapt to what is, is freedom.

Fionnuisce , Herons Court,  Market Quay  Bandon, Cork. For more details and bookings contact Mari at westcorklifecoach@gmail.com or tel 086152 3432

‘It never rains, but it pours’ has taken on new meaning in the last week ! As people struggle to come to terms with the losses and difficulties that the November rains have caused to businesses and homes around West Cork it may seem as though the country is beset by problem after problem.

When bad things happen to us it can induce a fearful pattern of thinking that is a struggle to get out of. Worse still, when several things happen together,  we can feel overwhelmed,  that there is no room to breathe and that no sooner have we come up for air than another wave hits us.

We all encounter events in our lives that are beyond our control, yet it is our attitude to these events more than the event itself,  that can make or break us. One reaction is to close down, to stop reaching out but the tragedy is that the more closed we become the more life shrinks from us and so the cycle continues. Another way is to pretend everything is fine. Sometimes we make such a good job of this, we even believe ourselves ! As human beings it is our natural tendency to look around and see others doing well. To assume that everyone else is getting a smooth ride! This is in part due to the game we all play. The I’m fine game !

I fight regular battles with my inner fears. When things happen to us or our loved ones that we could never have predicted, it haunts us forever. Lurking in the corners of my mind, all manner of dangers, fears and anxieties seem all too real. What I have found is that speaking them takes away their power. Allowing the fear, frees me far more than fighting it.

No-one wants to be constantly be-moaning their lot but a little honesty about how we feel and what we are experiencing can break down a lot of barriers and help us to feel less isolated and more grounded. The cycle of fear can be broken, by sharing our emotions and fears we become vulnerable and it is precisely this vulnerability that draws people to us. In order to receive help, we first need to reveal that we need help. It’s hard to feel empathy or compassion for someone whose veneer never cracks ! Some of my closest friendships have been formed in times of crisis and that tells me, that what we seek from each other is a real, deeper heart connection. As human beings we can so easily lose trust .So my questions to you today are these :

‘How do you live your life, in a closed or an open fashion?’

‘How can you be more real in your life?’

‘How present are you in your life ?

We can grow to be closed or even shutdown through our experience of life. Yet it is important to realize that often that experience is  long gone and by clinging to it we are tainting our possibilities for our present and the future.

Published in the West Cork People Dec 2009

I have just spent this weekend in retreat at Dzogchen Beara, a Meditation Centre in West Cork. The theme was ‘Loving Kindness’ and I  don’t think I was alone in hoping that I would deepen my compassion and become more loving to others. What a surprise then to be told that in order to fully love others we need to first focus on the love we feel for ourselves ! This of course makes complete sense when you think how often we berate ourselves and all the stressful thoughts we perpetuate about ourselves. In fact its shocking to realize that I don’t know of anyone who doesn’t have negative thoughts about themselves. Whether its about how we look, what we believe, how we behave or how much we earn.

Some of us are affected more strongly than others. While some  of us scold and criticize ourselves out loud at every opportunity, others keep it within, but its still there  deep down, that little voice whispering that we can’t do it, we don’t deserve it or  that we are fundamentally bad and we prove this to ourselves again and again every time we make a so-called mistake.

In Tibet, children are brought up to love and appreciate themselves, unlike in the West where we are taught to  put others first or be seen as selfish. Yet we suffer collectively here from a huge lack of self-esteem which in turn is the root of much of our suffering and unhappiness.

Why do we find it  so hard to love ourselves ? We are born into this world a gift, pure and untainted but before long the pressures of life and the society we live in seems to take its toll. I believe that we have a responsibility to take a closer look at how we feel about ourselves and to work at loving ourselves just as we are. Not when we are thinner, more confident, richer or more qualified, but now in this moment because we all have an equal right to be happy and to be loved. Through learning to love ourselves more we are able to give unconditional love to others, not a love that requires a certain behaviour or belief.

If I could change three beliefs that I hear expressed often, ‘mistakes are bad’ would become ‘every mistake is an opportunity for learning’, ‘don’t show off ‘would become ‘let your light shine’ and ‘don’t take risks’ would become ‘follow your heart’.

I will end with one of my favourite quotes  from Marianne Williamson,

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

TAKE ACTION THIS WEEK

1)Ask yourself  in what areas of your life could you support yourself more.

2) Pick one area that you feel you could make a difference in..

3) Identify and commit to three ways in which you could be more loving and supportive to yourself.


Publishing date Nov 2009 The West Cork People

“While wanting to teach our children about life, our children teach us what life is all about”  (Angela Schmidt)

These past few weeks have been full of change for many parents.  Watching my two children walk into their new schools, was  far more emotional than I had expected. In three weeks they seem to have  adapted to the new environment and have thrown themselves whole-heartedly into the experience. This won’t be the case for all children and so I am counting my blessings and keeping my fingers crossed !

When children change schools, whether to go to secondary school or just to a different school, it’s vital that as parents we keep a close eye, without invading our child’s space. How are they in themselves?  Look out for any significant negative changes in appetite, mood, friends and behaviour. Allow time for conversation and steer well away from interrogation! As parents we are often so focused on fixing any problems that we are not really listening to what we are being told, rushing to come up with solutions and suggestions. If you find yourself talking more than your child, take a deep breath and bite your tongue. You may be surprised at what is revealed.

Our lives are so full, its easy to forget to take pleasure in our children. By the time we are home, food is eaten, homework is done, rooms tidied, its nearly time for bed! The day can seem full of commands and instructions. Small kindnesses go a long way, especially with teenagers. Making their favourite dinner, hoovering their room, a small surprise waiting for them,  a note in their lunchbox saying you love them. Little things show that you think of them when they are not around and that you appreciate them.

We expect so much from ourselves and our youngsters, its easy to lose sight of what is going well.

We can all benefit by paying a little more attention to our own behaviours and reactions, rather than looking to what our children are doing wrong . As the adults in the equation we have a responsibility to ensure that we raise confident, able young people and we can do that by looking inward rather than outward.

Our children don’t need perfect parents they need REAL parents. Parents who cry, lose it, shout, laugh, say sorry, admit that they are wrong and are sometimes vulnerable too. Too often we hide the hard facts, thinking to protect our children when in fact they are far stronger than we realize. As parents we lead by example and the ability to acknowledge our mistakes is as valuable as being proud of our successes. Showing our children that we are not perfect is a huge strength and allows them to be fully themselves. We all have areas we struggle with, its part of being human.

I believe that when we have  children we are blessed with the key to our true selves. Parenting is an opportunity for us to learn more about ourselves, however often the focus is on controlling our children,  thereby impeding two peoples growth and happiness. Parenting starts with the parent , starting with ourselves is the first step to understanding our children and developing better relationships with them. Our children’s self belief and self esteem is formed at a very young age. It is worth asking ourselves ‘what am I teaching my children ?’ 

published in The West Cork People Oct 2009