I have just spent this weekend in retreat at Dzogchen Beara, a Meditation Centre in West Cork. The theme was ‘Loving Kindness’ and I  don’t think I was alone in hoping that I would deepen my compassion and become more loving to others. What a surprise then to be told that in order to fully love others we need to first focus on the love we feel for ourselves ! This of course makes complete sense when you think how often we berate ourselves and all the stressful thoughts we perpetuate about ourselves. In fact its shocking to realize that I don’t know of anyone who doesn’t have negative thoughts about themselves. Whether its about how we look, what we believe, how we behave or how much we earn.

Some of us are affected more strongly than others. While some  of us scold and criticize ourselves out loud at every opportunity, others keep it within, but its still there  deep down, that little voice whispering that we can’t do it, we don’t deserve it or  that we are fundamentally bad and we prove this to ourselves again and again every time we make a so-called mistake.

In Tibet, children are brought up to love and appreciate themselves, unlike in the West where we are taught to  put others first or be seen as selfish. Yet we suffer collectively here from a huge lack of self-esteem which in turn is the root of much of our suffering and unhappiness.

Why do we find it  so hard to love ourselves ? We are born into this world a gift, pure and untainted but before long the pressures of life and the society we live in seems to take its toll. I believe that we have a responsibility to take a closer look at how we feel about ourselves and to work at loving ourselves just as we are. Not when we are thinner, more confident, richer or more qualified, but now in this moment because we all have an equal right to be happy and to be loved. Through learning to love ourselves more we are able to give unconditional love to others, not a love that requires a certain behaviour or belief.

If I could change three beliefs that I hear expressed often, ‘mistakes are bad’ would become ‘every mistake is an opportunity for learning’, ‘don’t show off ‘would become ‘let your light shine’ and ‘don’t take risks’ would become ‘follow your heart’.

I will end with one of my favourite quotes  from Marianne Williamson,

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

TAKE ACTION THIS WEEK

1)Ask yourself  in what areas of your life could you support yourself more.

2) Pick one area that you feel you could make a difference in..

3) Identify and commit to three ways in which you could be more loving and supportive to yourself.


Publishing date Nov 2009 The West Cork People