“While wanting to teach our children about life, our children teach us what life is all about” (Angela Schmidt)
These past few weeks have been full of change for many parents. Watching my two children walk into their new schools, was far more emotional than I had expected. In three weeks they seem to have adapted to the new environment and have thrown themselves whole-heartedly into the experience. This won’t be the case for all children and so I am counting my blessings and keeping my fingers crossed !
When children change schools, whether to go to secondary school or just to a different school, it’s vital that as parents we keep a close eye, without invading our child’s space. How are they in themselves? Look out for any significant negative changes in appetite, mood, friends and behaviour. Allow time for conversation and steer well away from interrogation! As parents we are often so focused on fixing any problems that we are not really listening to what we are being told, rushing to come up with solutions and suggestions. If you find yourself talking more than your child, take a deep breath and bite your tongue. You may be surprised at what is revealed.
Our lives are so full, its easy to forget to take pleasure in our children. By the time we are home, food is eaten, homework is done, rooms tidied, its nearly time for bed! The day can seem full of commands and instructions. Small kindnesses go a long way, especially with teenagers. Making their favourite dinner, hoovering their room, a small surprise waiting for them, a note in their lunchbox saying you love them. Little things show that you think of them when they are not around and that you appreciate them.
We expect so much from ourselves and our youngsters, its easy to lose sight of what is going well.
We can all benefit by paying a little more attention to our own behaviours and reactions, rather than looking to what our children are doing wrong . As the adults in the equation we have a responsibility to ensure that we raise confident, able young people and we can do that by looking inward rather than outward.
Our children don’t need perfect parents they need REAL parents. Parents who cry, lose it, shout, laugh, say sorry, admit that they are wrong and are sometimes vulnerable too. Too often we hide the hard facts, thinking to protect our children when in fact they are far stronger than we realize. As parents we lead by example and the ability to acknowledge our mistakes is as valuable as being proud of our successes. Showing our children that we are not perfect is a huge strength and allows them to be fully themselves. We all have areas we struggle with, its part of being human.
I believe that when we have children we are blessed with the key to our true selves. Parenting is an opportunity for us to learn more about ourselves, however often the focus is on controlling our children, thereby impeding two peoples growth and happiness. Parenting starts with the parent , starting with ourselves is the first step to understanding our children and developing better relationships with them. Our children’s self belief and self esteem is formed at a very young age. It is worth asking ourselves ‘what am I teaching my children ?’
My coaching is based around two very simple questions “ What do you really want?" and “What is preventing you from getting it ?” The answers to these questions reveal a huge amount about you and how you relate to the world and can set you on the path towards transforming your life. How ? Firstly, we rarely give ourselves the luxury of sitting down and seriously thinking about what we want. By giving these questions the time they deserve, we can create a space, a gap and it is this gap that is so sacred and fruitful.
Secondly, we are quick to dismiss what we want as unachievable or unrealistic, without fully exploring the potential. By tuning into our thoughts, we can catch ourselves in the process of dismissal and question ourselves.. Thirdly, we are far too easily swayed by the doubts and fears of others. Understanding that other peoples fears are theirs, not yours, allows you to follow your dreams, despite what others may say.
How often do you blame others, or use others as an excuse for your inaction ? Can you think of an instance ? It could be your parents holding you back or maybe your boss not recognisng your talents. Maybe you don’t earn enough money or perhaps your husband is at fault ! By blaming others we give away our power and our emotional strength. By believing we have no choice we become paralysed and trapped, often in a cycle of anger and resentment. How much better to know that, no matter what reason you give for not following your desires, it is always your choice.
Decisions are not taken because someone else has forced us (although it may feel as though they have !) Sometimes, the choice might well be between a rock and a hard place, that’s life ! You still have many choices, you can give up, start again, try something different, sleep on it, ask for help, scream and stamp your feet ! Acknowledging the choice in every action, or inaction is crucial in enabling us to move forward.. In seeing that we are free to choose , we take responsibility for our lives and the consequences of our choices, this allows the cycle of frustration to come to an end.
TAKE ACTION THIS WEEK
1.Start thinking about what you want in your life . What do you want to be? What do you want to do ? What do you want to have ?
2. Write down 5 things under each heading.
3. Honestly, ask yourself what is preventing you from living the life you want? What story are you focusing on and do you really believe yourself ?
4. Rather than telling yourself that you ‘have’ to do something , what happens when you replace the word ‘have’ with ‘choose’ what does that feel like ?
Published in Septembers issue of The West Cork People
INSIGHT
Do you feel that you give too much? Many people find themselves overwhelmed by the demands of others, however we often take on the role of adviser and confidante without even being asked. Giving out advice when unasked for is rarely altruistic, although we act with the best intentions at the time . We are genuine in our wish to reach out and heal someone and it is our compassion and belief that we know how to fix someone that can be so frustrating and potentially damaging to relationships. What has worked for us and what we believe is the way forward, is rarely the right way for the person concerned.
We are all perfect in our own unique way, but our patterns, set early in life and reinforced by our beliefs, mean that we each deal with our challenges in very different ways. By exploring our own motives and intentions behind helping people we can get out of this cycle of frustration. How you feel tells you everything you need to know, frustration, anger, guilt, resentment, confusion all indicate that YOUR needs are not being met. Perhaps you are expecting something from your input, the person to take your advice, cheer up or change in some way ! Often we give and give and give until we reach burnout.. They may not be doing it your way but they are doing the best they can, with what they have and it is perfect for them at that time.
As a Coach, I have had to unpick all my ideas about what friendship is, what helping is, what supporting someone is . I believe that love and acceptance is a much better gift than advice . Truly listening is the number 1 gift you can give someone. The frustration of giving advice and suggestions, that are seemingly never heeded has in the past left me exhausted and resentful . Realizing that the reason for the exhaustion and frustration is that MY requirements where not being met, I wasn’t getting what I wanted which in some way equals a validation of self (I helped, fixed it, sorted it therefore I am!)
Supporting someone who is in difficulty is a crucial and hugely rewarding part of life, however when it starts to impact your own emotional health, it is time to take a look at yourself and why you have chosen this role. Do you care too much ? Are you over involved and attached to the outcome ?
Clients come to me exhausted by family and friends who come to them endlessly for support and help. My question to them is ‘Why are you doing it ?’ Often they don’t know or they feel they have to. The work then is to understand their feelings and motivations. Ironically it can be interesting to discover that the person being helped, has never actually requested help, the helper has taken them on as a project. If we ask ourselves some hard questions, we can connect with our feelings rather than focusing on the frustration we feel. Louise Hay says ‘ I push my clients because they come to me. I leave my friends alone.”
Take Action This Week
1 .Who are you supporting ?
2. How do you feel about supporting that person ?
3. Why are you supporting them ?
4. What do you want the person to do ?
Just taking time to ask yourself these questions can put you in touch with your motivation to help. If you want nothing from the person you are helping then your levels of frustration will dissipate. Don’t forget that whilst we are busy helping others, we don’t have time to help ourselves !
When’s the last time you made a choice, I mean REALLY made a choice and stuck to it and did it ? Do you keep promising yourself that you will lose weight, drink less, stop smoking, take up exercise ? Can you identify what stops you succeeding? Rather than feeling guilty and beating up on ourselves when we don’t achieve our goals, it can be enlightening to look at why we want what we want and how our choices can sabotage our best intentions. What is the desire behind the scenes?
The first step to achieving any goal is to realize that you have the will to succeed within you. It is up to you whether you choose to use this or not. However, in order to succeed at anything we must really want it. Often the choices we make aren’t based on what WE really want. Often they may express someone else’s desire. We make choices based on a whole range of variants, some real, others less so. By analyzing why we want something, we can define how important it is to us and this can help sustain our motivation.
By observing the choices you make throughout a day, you can get a good sense of what drives you. Are you a people pleaser? Count how many times you make a real choice. A choice where you actually really want something and you make a real determined, purposeful decision to do it/get it/etc. Watch yourself and see how many choices you make in a day, from the mundane to the life changing .
As human beings the fact that we are free to choose so much is one of our greatest gifts. Even in times of hardship we always have choices. When Nelson Mandela was confined to Robben Island, he had a choice, to be bitter and angry or to trust and extend his hand. Only you hold the power to succeed in the choices you make, and choice is intertwined in everything that occurs in our lives. You can begin to see how your choices lead you to everything you experience, whether you choose to give others power over you or whether you choose to succeed in your goals, everything is up to you. it’s your choice !
Are you making the most of your life ? When things are hard, we often get caught up in the ‘can’t do’s’ and forget to look for the ‘can do’s’ in our lives. The last few years have been very focused on the material, our houses, cars, clothes and possessions. It amazes me when I look back to think of how much money I have spent on the irrelevant over the years. Taking money out of the equation can be refreshing. Instead of focusing on the lack in our lives, I have been concentrating on areas where we might take positive action. That won’t cost money and will provide huge rewards in terms of our own personal growth : Feed Your Body – do you eat well, manage your stress levels, exercise regularly and sleep enough ? Fill Your Heart – do you make an effort to increase your social circle? Are you a good friend? Do you make time for your important relationships? Expand Your Mind – are you doing your best? Are you learning new things? Do you read? Do you have hobbies? Strengthen your Soul – do you give to others in some way ? Do you walk in nature or by the sea ? Do you gain inspiration by reading, writing or being creative ? Do you willingly spend time alone ? Do you pray or meditate ?
Its easy to forget that all of these areas are available to us to work on all of the time and at no financial cost . When I look at children, I see them changing and developing everyday. Yet as adults it’s as if we flick off the switch when we get to a certain point and then wonder why we feel so unfulfilled ! As human beings we require water, food, sleep. However, in order to find peace in our lives we must also take the time to nurture the less demanding parts of ourselves. By ensuring that our other needs are met we can begin to re-connect with our true selves. The greatest contribution we can make as human beings is to learn and accept who we are as individuals. The aim is not to judge or criticize ourselves but purely to notice how we are and to begin to be our own friend. Personal development is not a selfish journey, it is a journey for the greater good. Through working on ourselves, we continue to grow, as parents, as a wife or husband and as a friend. So if we find ourselves with less cash for spending , maybe there are hidden benefits !
TAKE ACTION THIS WEEK
1) Sit quietly with a pen and paper and look at your life in relation to the four above areas.
2) Pick the area that you feel you would most like to work on.
3) Pick one element within that, for example if you pick Heart , choose one thing such as, improving a significant relationship or increasing your social circle.
