INSIGHT
How do you get angry ? Do you explode, suppress it, sulk , pretend nothing is wrong, when clearly something is up ? Are you spiteful and cutting or silent and brooding ? There are hundreds of ways in which we can express our anger. Many of them are destructive.
I have always had difficulty expressing and dealing with anger, but I know that I am not alone. If we struggle to use our anger in a constructive way, it is usually a pattern that we have learnt from our earliest experiences. Anger is often viewed as a negative emotion, yet it is a valuable signal from our inner selves that we have reached our limits in a situation. Our anger deserves to be listened to and explored. We often turn away from anger, especially our own, but ignoring our feelings does not make them go away, it only suppresses them.
Unexpressed anger can be damaging, both on an emotional and a physical level. If we suppress anger, it may come out when we least expect it, in road rage for example, or at work, or in illness. Accepting that anger is a reactive emotion to one of two things, hurt and/or fear enables me to explore what I feel and find a constructive way forward. In my experience, all anger can be further defined by the question “ am I hurt or fearful?” This simple question has changed my way of dealing with my own anger. Instead of immediately blaming the other person or situation, I am able to look at what lies behind that initial anger. By breaking the anger down into ‘fear’ or ‘hurt’ I can explore its root cause. For instance, if I am angry with a friend. Asking myself how I feel, ‘ hurt or fearful' can show the way to peace.
Anger is often the result of a long build up of keeping our real feelings hidden, until we explode. Many of us have difficulty saying ‘No’ so we find ourselves constantly under pressure, doing things we don’t really want to do for a quiet life or to please others. If this rings any bells for you then I invite you to take time to ask yourself the question “ am I hurt or fearful” . Just acknowledging these feelings to yourself can diffuse a situation.
Relaxing and taking time out of a busy schedule is really important. If you have a full diary, blocking out some time just for yourself can be a blessing. I find a good fast walk burns off my initial anger and allows me space to think. Don’t be afraid to feel angry , explore how to express it in a positive way. While it takes practice, it is a vital process that pays off.
‘Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned’.
-- Buddha.
published in THE WEST CORK PEOPLE ( April 2009 )
|
