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INSIGHT
What does confidence mean to you ? For me, its feeling relaxed and happy in myself. Confidence for me = self acceptance, an awareness that I may not be perfect but that I am fine as I am. I haven’t always been like that ! There have been parties not gone to, jobs not applied for and interviews fluffed. Certainly growing older plays a part but by actively tackling your demons you can certainly increase your confidence levels.
You can spot people who you would call confident, by the way they carry themselves and the way they relate to others, however scratch the surface and most people have an Achilles heel or an area of their life which they feel could be improved on. You may feel supremely confident in certain areas of your life and feel lacking in others. This is sometimes in evidence where someone is very successful in their job but flounders in their personal relationships. An imbalance like this can create great dissatisfaction, resulting in stress and unhappiness.
The bad news is that the more you try to avoid areas in your life where you feel uncomfortable, the less confident you will feel. Unfortunately confidence is like a muscle and the less you use it the more you lose it ! If you don’t stretch it, work it and limber up then it seems more and more elusive. Humans being the creatures of habit we are, hate to feel uncomfortable and to step outside our comfort zone. However stepping out of your comfort zone is the only way to make change happen. So although its often easier to stay in by the telly or sit next to the same person everyday or stay in the same job, if you know that by grabbing the bull by the horns your life would improve, then here are a few ideas.
Start by identifying an area of your life where you would like to feel more confident. This could be your social life, your work, parenting skills, health, appearance or a talent you would like to acquire. Once you have done this set yourself 5 goals which will move you forward, these should be small and achievable. Say you want to be more confident in your social life, your goals could be :
1) to pick up the phone once a week/month and arrange a social outing
2) talk to one new person a week
3) hold a conversation for longer than usual
4) practice maintaining eye contact when talking to people
5) try a new activity.
Initially you will feel uncomfortable but you will be amazed at the change in yourself as you achieve your goals. Let me know how you get on!
published in THE WEST CORK PEOPLE ( Dec 2008 )
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INSIGHT
Have you noticed that the more you want something the more elusive it seems to become ? In 2008 the Law of Attraction seemed to be on many peoples minds. If you hadn’t read ‘The Secret’ then you would no doubt have seen the DVD or heard from one of your friends about how they were focusing on what they wanted.
I know many people who gave up disheartened or just could not see any improvement in their lives and there lies the difficulty. We like to see results and we like them now and we don’t want to have to make too much effort. The Law of Attraction works whether you want it to or not, the challenge is to harness it and make it work for you in a positive way. The crucial thing is not to say what you want, then stand back and wait anxiously for whatever IT is to arrive. You have to do your bit, keep your goal in mind and be aware that opportunity comes wrapped in many guises.
The greatest tool in getting what you want is to focus first, then relax and let go a little. This is detachment, we humans attach to everything and this can really block our progress. We all know people who want to get married, have a baby or live a different life All the trying gets them nowhere, as soon as they decide to stop thinking about it , boom a miracle! You may want a specific thing and think there is only one way forward but by standing back you allow yourself to see other paths that may well lead to the same destination. Too much attachment causes you to be blind to opportunity.
To help you achieve all this, clarity of mind is essential and learning to meditate is invaluable as this helps you to clear your mind of all the useless, daily negative thinking that goes on.
TAKE ACTION :
1) write down everything you hope to achieve this year, make it as wild as you like but real, you have to really want to achieve this.
2) Put the list somewhere safe and look at it in 6 months time.
Chances are you will have ticked a good few without even trying. If you want to go a step further, divide a page in two and write on one side what you are going to do and on the other what you want the Universe to do in order to achieve your goals, sounds mad ? Let me know how you get on and Happy New Year !
published in THE WEST CORK PEOPLE ( Jan 2009 )
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INSIGHT
A friend of mine asked me recently how I stayed so positive. This got me thinking about how I live my life and what tools I use on a daily basis. For me happiness and health are inextricable and its keeping this balance that allows me to keep positive, despite the bombs that life seems to enjoy dropping.
The impact on our health of prolonged unhappiness, can be huge. We may drink more, smoke more, stay in bed all day, take drugs, eat badly, not exercise. My interest in the links between happiness and health continues to grow as I see more and more clients for health and anxiety and stress related disorders. Clients may come to me with a range of different health issues, depression, stress related illnesses,, overeating, insomnia, anxiety, palpitations, panic attacks etc. What is often revealed is that the symptoms they are experiencing are a physical expression of an underlying dissatisfaction or unhappiness in one or more areas of their lives.
The awareness that how you are feeling and your health levels are related can be a huge breakthrough to becoming healthier in mind and body. I believe that we can all be happier and in fact that is what we are here to achieve, more than success, wealth or power. By paying a little attention to how you live your life day to day you can experience a real positive change. A client said to me recently ‘if someone had told me 3 months ago, that the emotional and the physical were linked, I wouldn’t have believed them’.
The following are a few rules that I follow to create happiness in my own life.
BE GRATEFUL – overwhelmingly gratitude is the one thing that can make a positive difference. It is a mind shift away from what’s wrong, to what is right in your life . Be grateful for at least 3 things every day . Who or what enriches your life ?
BE GENEROUS – with your time, with your thoughts, with yourself. We are all doing what we can. Each day do at least one thing to make others happy. This can be a kind word, helping your colleagues, stopping your car at the crossroad, giving your seat on a bus to someone else, or giving a small present to someone you love. The possibilities are infinite. When you actively contribute to making someone happy for no reason, you reap happiness in return.
USE YOUR BREATH – your breath is a gift, literally. Few of us regularly and deliberately are aware of our breathing and its importance in keeping us calm and balanced.
Genuine happiness is contagious, you spread it wherever you go and that is a gift worth giving and receiving .
published in THE WEST CORK PEOPLE ( Feb 2009 )
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INSIGHT
How do you get angry ? Do you explode, suppress it, sulk , pretend nothing is wrong, when clearly something is up ? Are you spiteful and cutting or silent and brooding ? There are hundreds of ways in which we can express our anger. Many of them are destructive.
I have always had difficulty expressing and dealing with anger, but I know that I am not alone. If we struggle to use our anger in a constructive way, it is usually a pattern that we have learnt from our earliest experiences. Anger is often viewed as a negative emotion, yet it is a valuable signal from our inner selves that we have reached our limits in a situation. Our anger deserves to be listened to and explored. We often turn away from anger, especially our own, but ignoring our feelings does not make them go away, it only suppresses them.
Unexpressed anger can be damaging, both on an emotional and a physical level. If we suppress anger, it may come out when we least expect it, in road rage for example, or at work, or in illness. Accepting that anger is a reactive emotion to one of two things, hurt and/or fear enables me to explore what I feel and find a constructive way forward. In my experience, all anger can be further defined by the question “ am I hurt or fearful?” This simple question has changed my way of dealing with my own anger. Instead of immediately blaming the other person or situation, I am able to look at what lies behind that initial anger. By breaking the anger down into ‘fear’ or ‘hurt’ I can explore its root cause. For instance, if I am angry with a friend. Asking myself how I feel, ‘ hurt or fearful' can show the way to peace.
Anger is often the result of a long build up of keeping our real feelings hidden, until we explode. Many of us have difficulty saying ‘No’ so we find ourselves constantly under pressure, doing things we don’t really want to do for a quiet life or to please others. If this rings any bells for you then I invite you to take time to ask yourself the question “ am I hurt or fearful” . Just acknowledging these feelings to yourself can diffuse a situation.
Relaxing and taking time out of a busy schedule is really important. If you have a full diary, blocking out some time just for yourself can be a blessing. I find a good fast walk burns off my initial anger and allows me space to think. Don’t be afraid to feel angry , explore how to express it in a positive way. While it takes practice, it is a vital process that pays off.
‘Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned’.
-- Buddha.
published in THE WEST CORK PEOPLE ( April 2009 )
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