INSIGHT
Do you feel that you give too much? Many people find themselves overwhelmed by the demands of others, however we often take on the role of adviser and confidante without even being asked. Giving out advice when unasked for is rarely altruistic, although we act with the best intentions at the time . We are genuine in our wish to reach out and heal someone and it is our compassion and belief that we know how to fix someone that can be so frustrating and potentially damaging to relationships. What has worked for us and what we believe is the way forward, is rarely the right way for the person concerned.
We are all perfect in our own unique way, but our patterns, set early in life and reinforced by our beliefs, mean that we each deal with our challenges in very different ways. By exploring our own motives and intentions behind helping people we can get out of this cycle of frustration. How you feel tells you everything you need to know, frustration, anger, guilt, resentment, confusion all indicate that YOUR needs are not being met. Perhaps you are expecting something from your input, the person to take your advice, cheer up or change in some way ! Often we give and give and give until we reach burnout.. They may not be doing it your way but they are doing the best they can, with what they have and it is perfect for them at that time.
As a Coach, I have had to unpick all my ideas about what friendship is, what helping is, what supporting someone is . I believe that love and acceptance is a much better gift than advice . Truly listening is the number 1 gift you can give someone. The frustration of giving advice and suggestions, that are seemingly never heeded has in the past left me exhausted and resentful . Realizing that the reason for the exhaustion and frustration is that MY requirements where not being met, I wasn’t getting what I wanted which in some way equals a validation of self (I helped, fixed it, sorted it therefore I am!)
Supporting someone who is in difficulty is a crucial and hugely rewarding part of life, however when it starts to impact your own emotional health, it is time to take a look at yourself and why you have chosen this role. Do you care too much ? Are you over involved and attached to the outcome ?
Clients come to me exhausted by family and friends who come to them endlessly for support and help. My question to them is ‘Why are you doing it ?’ Often they don’t know or they feel they have to. The work then is to understand their feelings and motivations. Ironically it can be interesting to discover that the person being helped, has never actually requested help, the helper has taken them on as a project. If we ask ourselves some hard questions, we can connect with our feelings rather than focusing on the frustration we feel. Louise Hay says ‘ I push my clients because they come to me. I leave my friends alone.”
Take Action This Week
1 .Who are you supporting ?
2. How do you feel about supporting that person ?
3. Why are you supporting them ?
4. What do you want the person to do ?
Just taking time to ask yourself these questions can put you in touch with your motivation to help. If you want nothing from the person you are helping then your levels of frustration will dissipate. Don’t forget that whilst we are busy helping others, we don’t have time to help ourselves !
August 2009 The West Cork People
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