Call me modest, but I am a great mum ! I love my kids, I tell them so frequently and I’m even nice to them most of the time. I am conscious of  building their self esteem and independence. Yet, I have a confession, I have on occasion smacked my kids ! It’s not something I’m  proud of  but in the last few weeks I have read several articles by those “holier than thou” outlining how abhorrent smacking is, how it should be made illegal and parents who smack vilified and burned at the stake !

I can’t believe that anyone would advocate smacking as an effective method of discipline . However, to try to outlaw it is to assume that it is a conscious act, carried out by perfectly in control parents. In my experience, smacking and learning not to is a rite of passage for many parents. As new parents the shock of the reality of parenting, the sleepless nights, the constant demands, the juggling of work and family  and self, combined with the power struggles we often encounter with  our children, can mean that smacking happens despite our best intentions.

I have smacked mine and every time been filled with remorse that I have allowed myself to get so pulled in that I have lost control.  I work hard to prevent it happening again. It is something that when it happens is  so powerful and shocking that I feel the emotional effect for days after.

There is something deeply disturbing about a large adult looming over a small child in anger. The creation of fear in a child is what we should be looking at eradicating. Smacking is the tip of the iceberg ! Its not necessary to hit a child to induce fear, screaming and shouting  and the silent treatment can be equally traumatic.  Parents who never hit their kids can say cruel things and destroy their children in other ways. So where do we draw the line ?

I think it is fantastic that we discuss the issue of discipline but I’m not sure how effective banning smacking will be. Looking at our success rate in other similar areas it would appear not too hopeful ! We can make as many laws as we like, but the reality is that disciplining children is as old as the hills and is something that most parents struggle with (even if they don’t like to admit it!) Hopefully the days of “wait till your father gets home” and the wooden spoon are gone,  what is needed now is education and understanding of the damage that smacking can do to your relationship with your child, not more impossible to implement laws !

Are we just busy fools ?

Does our increasing reliance on technology mean that we are at risk of slowly and imperceptibly losing the ability to connect with each other in a real way ? In these times of technology overkill, it seems to me that we are forever communicating in the ether. I am guilty myself of checking my emails when I am supposed to be working or out with friends and I’ve noticed that it’s very uncool to be offended if someone starts texting when you are out with them and god forbid you should point out that you think its rude !

Even in these recessionary times we seem to be unable to stop for a minute of real life interaction without various gadgets beeping, vibrating or yelling at us (literally ! why would anyone have someone screaming at them as their ring tone ?)

Are we just busy fools ? In these times of Twitter, Face book and other social networking sites, what are we hoping to achieve by spending hours focusing on a screen and creating virtual relationships ? Communication is a minefield of possible misunderstandings at the best of times, take out the human element and things can quickly get out of hand. Who has not had experience of text and emails creating confusion and upset !

Recent research indicates that we are lonelier than ever, we may have 300 friends on Face book and be on line constantly, but who do we call when we need support or a giggle and a glass of wine ? Communicating on line can often appear to be more intimate and we can be lulled into revealing a lot about ourselves, yet a whole element of human interaction and code is missing. Eye contact, body language  and facial expression are crucial to how we communicate and without them we only get half the story .We also miss all the signals that may alert us that all is not right.

Human communication happens on so many levels, yet much of our new technology focuses exclusively on the written word. 

We are apparently raising a generation with a shorter attention span, primarily due to the nature of a  technology which interrupts our lives constantly  and randomly. If we don’t place limits on how and when we are available, we are in danger of feeling out of control and that our life is not our own.

There are certain times when I am out of contact: when I exercise, when I sleep but most of all when I choose. I put my phone on silent regularly and always for texts. I do not want to be ruled by a tyrant and that is what all these gadgets are, tyrants (useful tyrants I admit !) Young people particularly are at risk of not realizing that they control the technology, not the other way round.

Face to face communication has always been a difficult thing but the more we retreat into the fantasy world of the ether the less we get to practice what really counts  !

Published in the West Cork People July 2010

Can you have your cake and eat it ?

If losing weight was easy, then we would all be slim. One of the reasons we so admire the slender is because their taughtness and firmness is a testament to the hard work, tenacity and sheer willpower that goes into maintaining their physique.

In the western world being slim and staying slim is seen as an ideal, but few seem prepared or able to make the commitment. Everyone is looking for an easy fix, a miracle diet, pill,  cream, surgery !

It is a common belief that some people are naturally slim and can eat anything ( I have yet to meet one of these !) Aside from how we look , it is increasingly documented that weight control and exercise are crucial in the battle to be healthy and long lived. But like smoking and drinking and driving too fast, we still indulge. Why ? Because we want our cake and we want to eat it all, NOW ! Not a small slice once a week but a whole cake every day, plus crisps, chocolate and a bottle of wine oh ! and a large pizza with extra cheese please ! We don’t like moderation.

Many of the diseases today are preventable, if we only looked after ourselves better. But temptation is around every corner and our lifestyle and diet choices  make it feel like one long struggle.

As we get older it becomes increasingly difficult to maintain a lump free silhouette and still imbibe as we did when we were young. Every glass of wine and every plate of chips takes its toll. When I see someone slim and middle aged, I can guarantee you that they work hard at it. I always hope that they achieve their physique by truly caring for themselves, by choosing exercise they enjoy and eating what they want in moderation.

Magazines and newspapers are full of people falling on and off the dietary wagon and therein lies the problem, diets don’t work ! Losing weight is about much more than what we put in our mouths. It’s about how you feel about yourself in the world, about self-care and self respect and about being brutally honest with yourself.

Is it any wonder that life loses its spontaneity and joy when viewed through a lens that points solely at what we can and can’t eat. I believe that everyone has food issues.  It’s one part of us that is wholly necessary to our survival and as such its normal  that what we eat should play a large part in our lives, We have managed to demonize food but as hunter gatherers that is what would have taken up most of our time. Thinking about food, planning, gathering and preparing and eating. Its only now when food is all around that we have a problem.

Successful, long term weight loss really boils down to knowing yourself and what works for you. More importantly its about liking yourself enough not to punish your mind and body with a never ending circuit of unrealistic and in some cases downright dangerous diets. Successful weight loss is not about deprivation but about finding a balance in all areas of your life.

Published in the West Cork Preople August 2010